A Laughton.org contest based on the 2014 World Cup tournament

Final Results

-33 -29 -28 -26 -23 -22 -21 -11 -2 -1   The Zone   +1 +2 +11 +21 +22 +23 +26 +28 +29 +33

Congratulations to Battlestar Baboonica, which narrowly takes first place over Zelbo by tallying a greater number of goals. Both planets are slightly out of The Zone, but with a sweater or a light jacket you'll be just fine. Floradiversity is getting the intense sunlight mentioned in its description; this is good for flowers, but humans should consider slathering themselves with SPF50 before venturing outside. Alas, all other planets are consigned to fiery doom or frigid oblivion. Better luck next time!

The winner had this reaction when notified of the contest results:
Battlestar Baboonica never had any hope of winning the Jackpot, and its inhabitants, as self-absorbed as they are in their self-righteousness, probably weren't even aware that they were part of a game with their lives at stake. World Cup?? Football?? What's soccer? Thus, Baboonicans are oblivious to their great fortune that they may go on living their destructive lives in relative comfort. Only the clothing industry will note a slight increase in sweater sales.

I, however, am thrilled about this great success and thank the you for staging another fun and exciting contest! My sincere condolences to those planets now fire or ice, and to the contestants rooting for teams other than Germany.

 

World Cup Scores

Brazil3
Croatia1

Mexico1
Cameroon0

Netherlands5
Spain1

Chile3
Australia1

Colombia3
Greece0

Costa Rica3
Uruguay1

Italy2
England1

Ivory Coast2
Japan1

Switzerland2
Ecuador1

France3
Honduras0

Argentina2
Bosnia-Herzegovina1

Germany4
Portugal0

Iran0
Nigeria0

USA2
Ghana1

Belgium2
Algeria1

Brazil0
Mexico0

Russia1
South Korea1

Netherlands3
Australia2

Chile2
Spain0

Croatia4
Cameroon0

Colombia2
Ivory Coast1

Uruguay2
England1

Greece0
Japan0

Costa Rica1
Italy0

France5
Switzerland2

Ecuador2
Honduras1

Argentina1
Iran0

Germany2
Ghana2

Nigeria1
Bosnia-Herzegovina0

Belgium1
Russia0

Algeria4
South Korea2

USA2
Portugal2

Netherlands2
Chile0

Spain3
Australia0

Brazil4
Cameroon1

Mexico3
Croatia1

Uruguay1
Italy0

Costa Rica0
England0

Colombia4
Japan1

Greece2
Ivory Coast1

Argentina3
Nigeria2

Bosnia-Herzegovina3
Iran1

Switzerland3
Honduras0

Ecuador0
France0

Portugal2
Ghana1

Germany1
USA0

Belgium1
South Korea0

Algeria1
Russia1

Brazil1 [3]
Chile1 [2]

Colombia2
Uruguay0

Netherlands2
Mexico1

Costa Rica1 [5]
Greece1 [3]

France2
Nigeria0

Germany2
Algeria1

Argentina1
Switzerland0

Belgium2
USA1

Germany1
France0

Brazil2
Colombia1

Argentina1
Belgium0

Netherlands0 [4]
Costa Rica0 [3]

Germany7
Brazil1

Argentina0 [4]
Netherlands0 [2]

Netherlands3
Brazil0

Germany1
Argentina0

 

Participating Planets


TALADAGA
A Really Racy Place

Thin atmosphere polluted by racing engines of foolhardy inhabitants who frequently crash into each other. Always seeking a checkered flag.

goals scored by these countries push the planet farther from the star
Algeria7
Argentina8
Australia3
Belgium6
Brazil11
Colombia12
Croatia6
England2
France10
Germany18
Ghana4
Greece3
Honduras1
Iran1
Japan2
Netherlands15

Total109
goals scored against these countries push the planet closer to the star
Bosnia‑Herzegovina4
Cameroon9
Chile4
Costa Rica2
Ecuador3
Italy3
Ivory Coast5
Mexico3
Nigeria5
Portugal7
Russia3
South Korea6
Spain7
Switzerland7
Uruguay6
USA6

Total80
Rank: 10

Orbital Status:
+29 from The Zone

Goals tallied: 189

Zeroes: 0

Submitted May 29, 2014, at 23:00


THE STEPPING STONE
Rest Ye Here, Weary Starship Traveller

An artificial planet that will be constructed in the future and placed at the mid point between two distant alien "Goldilocks Zone" planets nicknamed Porridge 725291 and Bed 60365 (their native names cannot be expressed in ordinary text). The Stepping Stone will be constructed because there will be a lot of starship travel between the planets, creating high demand for a place for rest, refuelling and refreshments during the journey. It will be open all hours.

goals scored by these countries push the planet farther from the star
Algeria7
Australia3
Brazil11
Chile6
Colombia12
Costa Rica5
France10
Germany18
Iran1
Ivory Coast4
Mexico5
Nigeria3
Portugal4
South Korea3
Switzerland7
Uruguay4

Total103
goals scored against these countries push the planet closer to the star
Argentina4
Belgium3
Bosnia‑Herzegovina4
Cameroon9
Croatia6
Ecuador3
England4
Ghana6
Greece5
Honduras8
Italy3
Japan6
Netherlands4
Russia3
Spain7
USA6

Total81
Rank: 6

Orbital Status:
+22 from The Zone

Goals tallied: 184

Zeroes: 0

Submitted June 01, 2014, at 09:06


URANOMETRIUM
Was It Something We Said?

A wandering orphan cast out into the void of interstellar space when Zeta Cepheus went supernova, this world traveled through the dark matter of the galaxy for eons until being captured by the gravitational field of Gamma Tauri. The new parent star warmed the frozen world until life again flourished but the inhabitants of the other planets never accepted their new neighbour and used it for target practice.

goals scored by these countries push the planet farther from the star
Argentina8
Belgium6
Cameroon1
Chile6
Croatia6
Ecuador3
England2
Greece3
Honduras1
Iran1
Japan2
Portugal4
Russia2
Spain4
Uruguay4
USA5

Total58
goals scored against these countries push the planet closer to the star
Algeria7
Australia9
Bosnia‑Herzegovina4
Brazil14
Colombia4
Costa Rica2
France3
Germany4
Ghana6
Italy3
Ivory Coast5
Mexico3
Netherlands4
Nigeria5
South Korea6
Switzerland7

Total86
Rank: 9

Orbital Status:
-28 from The Zone

Goals tallied: 144

Zeroes: 0

Submitted June 03, 2014, at 16:25


KHUFU
Strike It Rich

A small rock with an extremely thin atmosphere. The surface has large impact craters, and humans live in a small habitat built to run a small-scale mining operation.

goals scored by these countries push the planet farther from the star
Algeria7
Argentina8
Brazil11
Chile6
Colombia12
Croatia6
Ecuador3
France10
Ghana4
Iran1
Ivory Coast4
Japan2
Netherlands15
Nigeria3
Portugal4
South Korea3
Uruguay4

Total103
goals scored against these countries push the planet closer to the star
Australia9
Belgium3
Bosnia‑Herzegovina4
Cameroon9
Costa Rica2
England4
Germany4
Greece5
Honduras8
Italy3
Mexico3
Russia3
Spain7
Switzerland7
USA6

Total77
Rank: 8

Orbital Status:
+26 from The Zone

Goals tallied: 180

Zeroes: 0

Submitted June 04, 2014, at 13:08


CSAL
Bzzzz Space Dreamer

On this planet, all beings are networked entrepreneurs making "honey" at a fantastic rate and selling it to the rest of the galaxy. They all have above-average intelligence and social skills. They migrated long ago from Planet Earth, where they were known as "bees." Fortunately, they remembered to bring flowers with them, so this planet is one of the most beautiful in the entire universe.

goals scored by these countries push the planet farther from the star
Algeria7
Argentina8
Belgium6
Bosnia‑Herzegovina4
Brazil11
Colombia12
Costa Rica5
Croatia6
Ecuador3
Germany18
Greece3
Netherlands15
Portugal4
Spain4
Switzerland7
Uruguay4

Total117
goals scored against these countries push the planet closer to the star
Australia9
Cameroon9
Chile4
England4
France3
Ghana6
Honduras8
Iran4
Italy3
Ivory Coast5
Japan6
Mexico3
Nigeria5
Russia3
South Korea6
USA6

Total84
Rank: 11

Orbital Status:
+33 from The Zone

Goals tallied: 201

Zeroes: 0

Submitted June 06, 2014, at 10:55


FLORADIVERSITY
To Each His Own

Floradiversity has a position in space which gives it an excellent climate for growing flowers, but the intense light it receives causes leaves to be miniaturized, and only allows the growth of blue or white flowers in the northern hemisphere and red or yellow flowers in the southern hemisphere.

goals scored by these countries push the planet farther from the star
Algeria7
Belgium6
Bosnia‑Herzegovina4
Colombia12
Costa Rica5
Croatia6
Ecuador3
Ghana4
Iran1
Ivory Coast4
Mexico5
Netherlands15
Portugal4
Spain4
Switzerland7
Uruguay4

Total91
goals scored against these countries push the planet closer to the star
Argentina4
Australia9
Brazil14
Cameroon9
Chile4
England4
France3
Germany4
Greece5
Honduras8
Italy3
Japan6
Nigeria5
Russia3
South Korea6
USA6

Total93
Rank: 3

Orbital Status:
-2 from The Zone

Goals tallied: 184

Zeroes: 0

Submitted June 06, 2014, at 11:01


INCENDARIOUS
Flameout

Incendarious has an extremely dry climate, and its vegetation is limited to forests of biofuel-producing trees. The frequent dry lightning storms start massive forest fires, which rage on the oil-rich nuts until the fuel is consumed, and eventually the surviving debris reseeds the same dangerously flammable forests.

goals scored by these countries push the planet farther from the star
Argentina8
Belgium6
Bosnia‑Herzegovina4
Brazil11
Colombia12
England2
France10
Germany18
Greece3
Italy2
Netherlands15
Portugal4
Russia2
Spain4
Switzerland7
Uruguay4

Total112
goals scored against these countries push the planet closer to the star
Algeria7
Australia9
Cameroon9
Chile4
Costa Rica2
Croatia6
Ecuador3
Ghana6
Honduras8
Iran4
Ivory Coast5
Japan6
Mexico3
Nigeria5
South Korea6
USA6

Total89
Rank: 7

Orbital Status:
+23 from The Zone

Goals tallied: 201

Zeroes: 0

Submitted June 06, 2014, at 11:31


UAINTUS
Keep It As Tight As An Alto Sax

A runt by nature, Uaintus is a craggy-crusted loner on a galaxy's edge, half Earth's mass but double its density. Slattern, its nearest neighbor, keeps a distance. So what — Uaintus runs hot and cool. Blue O2 clouds smoke over a carbon-filled mass. The vegetation's orange photosynthesis relies on stolen light rays bent into Uaintus's orbit by a powerful brooding magnetism.

goals scored by these countries push the planet farther from the star
Algeria7
Argentina8
Australia3
Chile6
Croatia6
Ecuador3
England2
France10
Italy2
Ivory Coast4
Mexico5
Nigeria3
Portugal4
Russia2
South Korea3
Uruguay4

Total72
goals scored against these countries push the planet closer to the star
Belgium3
Bosnia‑Herzegovina4
Brazil14
Cameroon9
Colombia4
Costa Rica2
Germany4
Ghana6
Greece5
Honduras8
Iran4
Japan6
Netherlands4
Spain7
Switzerland7
USA6

Total93
Rank: 5

Orbital Status:
-21 from The Zone

Goals tallied: 165

Zeroes: 0

Submitted June 10, 2014, at 23:49


BATTLESTAR BABOONICA
A Place Where No (Good) Man Wants To Go

Apes of mind and spirit are exiled to this planet to live out their careless and malevolent behaviors in chaos and discord. As they battle each other out of self-preservation and other selfish motives, the saying goes: all for one and none for all. Self destruction is inevitable and in the meantime, go right ahead and drive slow in the left lane!

goals scored by these countries push the planet farther from the star
Argentina8
Belgium6
Brazil11
Chile6
England2
France10
Germany18
Ghana4
Honduras1
Iran1
Ivory Coast4
Japan2
Mexico5
Russia2
Spain4
Uruguay4

Total88
goals scored against these countries push the planet closer to the star
Algeria7
Australia9
Bosnia‑Herzegovina4
Cameroon9
Colombia4
Costa Rica2
Croatia6
Ecuador3
Greece5
Italy3
Netherlands4
Nigeria5
Portugal7
South Korea6
Switzerland7
USA6

Total87
Rank: 1
(by tiebreaker)

Orbital Status:
+1 from The Zone

Goals tallied: 175

Zeroes: 0

Submitted June 11, 2014, at 17:17


ZELBO
A Singular Sensation

Unlike the Ark, nothing is paired off on Zelbo yet all the singletons remarkably remain happy & live long, long healthy lives.

goals scored by these countries push the planet farther from the star
Argentina8
Australia3
Belgium6
Chile6
Costa Rica5
Croatia6
Ghana4
Honduras1
Italy2
Ivory Coast4
Japan2
Mexico5
Netherlands15
Nigeria3
Portugal4
South Korea3
Switzerland7

Total84
goals scored against these countries push the planet closer to the star
Algeria7
Bosnia‑Herzegovina4
Brazil14
Cameroon9
Colombia4
Ecuador3
England4
France3
Germany4
Greece5
Iran4
Russia3
Spain7
Uruguay6
USA6

Total83
Rank: 2
(by tiebreaker)

Orbital Status:
+1 from The Zone

Goals tallied: 167

Zeroes: 0

Submitted June 11, 2014, at 18:55


GUCCI-MOVADO PRIME
A Resort For The .001%

Marvel at the Tiffany lamps that light the roadways from a chauffeured Rolls-Royce, or enjoy a stroll on the sidewalks covered in rich Corinthian leather. Slumber in the comfort of 1012 thread count sheets woven from a special Egyptian cotton once reserved for the pharaohs. Awaken to a breakfast including fruits from extinct plants reconstructed in our particle accelerator, caviar freshly harvested at your table, and bacon from truffle-fed hogs who spent their days blissfully wallowing in a hand-selected blend of Icelandic and Patagonian muds. All this and more awaits the true conoisseur of the best the galaxy has to offer.

goals scored by these countries push the planet farther from the star
Bosnia‑Herzegovina4
Brazil11
Colombia12
Ecuador3
England2
France10
Germany18
Ghana4
Greece3
Japan2
Mexico5
Netherlands15
Nigeria3
Russia2
South Korea3
USA5

Total102
goals scored against these countries push the planet closer to the star
Algeria7
Argentina4
Australia9
Belgium3
Cameroon9
Chile4
Costa Rica2
Croatia6
Honduras8
Iran4
Italy3
Ivory Coast5
Portugal7
Spain7
Switzerland7
Uruguay6

Total91
Rank: 4

Orbital Status:
+11 from The Zone

Goals tallied: 193

Zeroes: 0

Submitted June 11, 2014, at 23:59

This planet is the pipe-dream of the Contest Staff and ineligible to receive a prize.

 

Rules

Scientists searching the universe for habitable planets sometimes refer to the region surrounding a star that's not too close, not too far, but just right for life as we know it to survive as The Goldilocks Zone. No, the Contest Staff is not making this up — we got this story from NASA. We like whimsical scientific references almost as much as we like drawing preposterous graphics on our contest pages, so we've designed this contest as a battle between planets for a position in what we will simply call The Zone.
How to Play You'll pick a name and some other details for your planet, but we'll cover these later. What you need to focus on first is the scoring. While your planet — and everyone else's — will start comfortably in The Zone, its position will change as goals are scored in the 2014 World Cup soccer (called football on some planets) competition. To play, you'll begin by separating all the countries participating in the tournament into two columns: goals scored by teams on the left will push your planets farther into the frozen void of space. Goals scored against teams on the right will plunge your planet toward fiery destruction in the nearby star. After the last match is played, the player whose planet remains closest to The Zone — that is, the one with the smallest difference between the totals in his left and right columns — will be declared the winner.
Frequent participants in Laughton.org contests may find this scoring scheme familiar, and there is indeed a strong resemblance between this contest and 2010's Advanced Simplification. However, let us be diabolically clear about the rules of The Zone:
  • Goals scored by teams in the left column push your planet away from the star it's orbiting.
  • Goals scored against teams in the right column push it toward the star.
  • The object is to end up in the same location where you started, so you want the collect the same number of goals in each column.
Paradoxically, this asymmetrical scoring scheme may often generate symmetrical results that should help players keep their column totals close: whenever a country on the left plays against a country on the right, the outcome of the match will add the same amount to each column regardless of the number of goals scored. Perhaps this effect will help players avoid some of the extreme imbalances witnessed in our 2010 contest. However, no matter how well they're arranged, eventually countries will play against other countries in the same column, pushing planets either toward fiery destruction in the center of a star or to a slow death by freezing in the void. Victory will go to the player who carefully analyzes the World Cup schedule, judiciously chooses columns for the tournament favorites, the long shots, and all the in-betweens, and is really, really good at predicting the outcome of soccer matches.
Countries and Groups As always in World Cup tournaments, teams from participating countries are divided into groups of 4. Each team in a group plays one match against every other team in the same group. Matches within groups may end in ties. At the end of group play, the two teams with the best record from each group move on to elimination play. Matches in these later rounds do not end in ties; if the score is tied at the end of regulation play, teams play a period of overtime, and if the score remains tied at the end of overtime, the match is decided by a shootout. Only goals scored during regulation or overtime play will count for purposes of this contest. Shootout "goals" will be ignored.
These are the groups for World Cup 2014. Each will play one match against every other team in its group. Later matchups will be determined by the winners and runners-up in each group. Consult the World Cup schedule for further details.
ABrazil
Croatia
Mexico
Cameroon

BSpain
Netherlands
Chile
Australia

CColombia
Greece
Ivory Coast
Japan

DUruguay
Costa Rica
England
Italy

ESwitzerland
Ecuador
France
Honduras

FArgentina
Bosnia-Herzegovina
Iran
Nigeria

GGermany
Portugal
Ghana
USA

HBelgium
Algeria
Russia
South Korea

 

Submitting Your Entry Use the Official Entry Form to submit your entry. The form lists all participating countries and allows you to assign them to the left or right column with a click of the mouse. The form also lets you describe your planet, and as promised above, here are the details on this process:
  • Pick a name for your planet. We recommend limiting it to no more than 32 characters.
  • Devise a nickname or slogan for your planet. There are millions of planets vying for NASA's attention. If you want them to send a probe to yours, you have to get their attention with a catchy phrase. NASA managers love catchy phrases (like The Goldilocks Zone).
  • Describe your planet. Tell the world (Earth) about its inhabitants, culture, flora, fauna, geology, economy, climate, or any other attributes that you think we (Earthlings) will find interesting. Be creative! Be silly! Be warned: while there are no restrictions on the length or content of this text, the Contest Staff may truncate or otherwise edit voluminous or incoherent submissions.
Here are a few examples to inspire you:

PNUTO
The Once and Future Planet

On the world formerly known as Pluto, the inhabitants have given everything a fresh coat of paint, installed all-copper plumbing, and covered the cold floors with wall-to-wall carpeting. However, until someone sends an expedition to inspect all the upgrades, readmission to the Planet Club remains unlikely.


DEATH STAR III
That's no planet,
that's a space station!

Death Star III is an artificial world created for a future Star Wars installment before Disney took over the franchise. No longer needed for movie production, it remains in orbit ready to vaporize Jar-Jar Binks should he ever be sighted again.


FUNK THROB
We Be Loud

After many complaints about loud music at all hours from neighboring planets, the inhabitants completely enclosed this planet famous for non-stop partying. It's quickly become the most exclusive destination in the galaxy: you can't get in, because nobody inside can hear you knocking on the door.


STUPITER
The Dim Planet

This planet orbits a bloated gas giant in the constellation Constipania. Rarely seen due to its lack of brilliance, this planet has been observed several times falling into a black hole. Unable or unwilling to obey the laws of physics, it has fallen back out every time.

As you can see from the examples, the Contest Staff (Graphics Department) has been experimenting with an animation program. They'll draw images of all planets submitted and use them to produce a scoreboard which will appear on this webpage once the competition starts. We recommend that you refrain from mentioning the appearance of your planet in its descriptive text. Leave that to us. Since we'll provide an image, writing about its appearance would only be redundant, and Laughton.org already has too many volunteers working for free in its Department of Redundancy Department. Concentrate on your planet's other attributes, and we'll draw an appropriate image (maybe even with rings).
Tiebreakers In the event of a tie, the following rules will be applied in the order shown:
  • The player with the highest total of goals (both columns) wins.
  • The player with fewest countries adding 0 goals (both columns) wins.
  • The player whose entry arrived first at Laughton.org wins.
Entry Deadline Use the Official Entry Form to submit your entry no later than midnight (US Eastern Time) on June 11, 2014. No late entries will be accepted.
While we have allowed — even encouraged — multiple entries from individual players in the past, we politely but firmly request that each player submit only one entry for this contest. Previous contests were advertised only to friends and family, but this one will be advertised to a much wider audience, and multiple entries from many players will be unmanageable.
The Prize The winning player will receive Jackpot, the classic game of chance from ThinkFun, makers of such diversions as Distraction, Mini Mouth, Robot Turtles, and Robot Turtles Adventure Pack.

According to the company:

 
  At the end of the Great Depression, people needed creative ways to add to their income. Enter Jackpot, the slot machine that fits in the palm of your hand. Jackpot fed the increasing interest in gambling, and coins were often substituted for chips as players tried their hand at this classic game of chance.
 
 
The Contest Staff does not encourage using this prize to enhance your income. The Contest Staff can hardly even imagine using this prize to enhance your income.
Be Nice Illegible, irrational, or improperly formatted entries will be discarded. Entries containing libelous, scurrilous, or scandalous text will be discarded. As a guide for those who aren't clear on what qualifies as libelous, scurrilous, or scandalous, we recommend that you be at least as polite as Stephen Hawking was when he recently assessed England's chances of making successful penalty shots.
One Last Thing While the Contest Staff encourages players to create amusing worlds, NASA offers an educational website where children (and adults who think they can keep up) can study the attributes of habitable planets and design their own virtual world. Give it a try!